


all too well

by freckledleelix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:56:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26663290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledleelix/pseuds/freckledleelix
Summary: Memories, would you be better to have those with you if the main character in it is the reason you’re hurting? Who knows? Either way, if he gets to see him in his memories, he’ll risk it. He’ll take it.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28
Collections: EQUINOX





	all too well

**Author's Note:**

> hi, i might have made this sadder than i intended to, sorry.
> 
> check this playlist: it's what i listened to in repeat while writing kk
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3p33wAlFi3UHqyMWCMBou4?si=a7Sx1629RImxIqmXjwuHxw

_ Memories. _

Those are what Hyunjin has left- memories. May it be good or bad, happy or sad,  _ about him _ or not, he cherishes them. He keeps them all safely tucked into his hollow mind and empty heart, enclosed and shut so tight that no one could see it. Hyunjin’s memories are for him and him only.

Driving to the airport is not something he usually does but he’s up early, his parents at the backseat, with Sam Kim playing on the radio. His parents are leaving for a long summer in Hawaii. As much as he would have wished to come with them, he won’t for 2 reasons. 1) It’s not actually that tempting to join when he knows he’ll be a 3rd wheel. 2) He has work and he can’t go on leave just when such an important event is just around the corner.

So there we are, nope, he won’t be joining any summer getaway. Sighing, he looks at the dashboard mirror and sees his parents hands in each other, smiling a bit after looking away.

They’re a family of 3 and although he’s graduated and now considered a young adult, his mom still pesters him about a lot of things she always did every now and then. So when he hears her cough and see her fixing herself upright just when they’re a few minutes away from the airport, he knows he’s got a lot to listen to.

“Honey,” she starts, voice laced with concern, “Are you sure you don’t want to come? We can still book you in for our flight.”

He looks at her through the mirror in the car. “You know why I can’t go with you, mom. It’ll all be good, I don’t want to miss going to this event after such a long time.”

He feels than sees the look thrown at him but he doesn’t add more to his reply.

“Alright,” he rounds the curve up to the terminal, “I don’t want to return to a hurt son again.”

He clicks his tongue, not wanting to say a rebuttal that he knows is not true. He continues the trek up and parks the car to the side to let his parents down. Stepping out to get their suitcases, his mother's look is the same as it was a few years back.

“Hyunjin-ah…”

“I’m fine, mom,” he says, almost choking at his own words, “It’s  _ just _ a reunion. Jisung would be there.”

This comment makes her eyes glow more and he receives a short hug as he pulls their briefcases out and brings it to where his father is waiting.

“Just him?”

“Sunwoo would be there, too, I suppose,” he cocks his head a bit, acting like he’s thinking, “You know they’re the close friends I’ve got.”

“Were they the only ones?” his father now asks, “Seungmin was the bestest friend of all, eh?”

And he freezes, because of the wind that suddenly tickled his body, maybe- or because of something he knew he shouldn’t have heard but still did and it gave him the chills.

“Dad,” he breathes in, not knowing where to start,  _ it’s been years _ , “You see-”

“Hwang Hyunjin?”

Someone calls out to him, a voice he thinks he knows and heard more than a couple times. The whole family whips their heads to look at the source of it.

“Well there you are!” his father says, walking up to the man, “How have you been, son?”

His ear reddens at the nickname his dad calls the person but he’s having a sudden mental breakdown to even think about that. He steps back a bit, his hip thumping his car’s mirror, looking at it like it might have been damaged with his one move. No, he doesn’t look anywhere else.

“Where are you headed?” he hears his dad ask.

“Oh, I just arrived sir,” he hears the answer from the person his parents are facing, “I guess you’re the one leaving?”

_ Is that a hopeful tone? Does he think I’m going as well? Now that we’re here… should I? _

“Hi, dear, it’s been so long,” his mom now says, voice sweet, he thinks they’re hugging when he hears her say, “Only the parents are leaving, summer in Hawaii.”

“Ah, that’s great! Hope you enjoy your trip!” the stranger says.

“We will, knowing you’re here now.” his father starts, “Our son needs a companion while we’re gone. Where are you heading to anyway?”

_ No, he doesn’t. Your son is an adult and he doesn’t need any company. _

He still doesn’t turn his head back. He might be sensing someone looking at the back of his head intently but he doesn’t budge.

“Home,” the voice says, laced with more feelings and meaning than he wanted to hear, “I am going home.”

_ Home? _

“Well we could check in ourselves,” his mom now says, “Darling, why don’t you take him home?”

_ Where is home? _

“Hyunjin-ah!” his dad calls out when he doesn’t answer, “Give him a lift, will ya?”

_ Going home. _

“Son,” his dad exclaims and he whips his head to the 3 people in front of him. “Take him home.”

It might just seem like an old disney movie inside his head but he sees everything in slow motion. He knows he nods his head but as soon as his eyes darts an acknowledgement to his father and looks at the person beside him, he loses all reason.

The air shifts, the wind blows, the scent of lavenders fill his senses and he ends up with the said stranger being pushed beside him.

“I’m really good, though, I can call a cab or even have one of my friends-”

“Just because years passed doesn’t mean you two aren’t friends anymore,” his dad laughs and taps the strangers shoulders, “We were just talking about you before you showed up, you’re my son's bestest friend of all. We  _ know _ you are.”

Something stings inside him but he rules it down.  _ Now is not the time. _

“Well, it’s just that-” he hears that the person beside him is a little bit confused with the situation and really, there’s nothing he can counter with.

“We’ll need to check-in, sweethearts,” his mom says and comes to him to give him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, looking at him in the eyes, “Stay safe and don’t hurt yourself.”

He just nods.

She kisses the man beside him too and his dad pulls them both in for a beary hug, tapping their arms as he lets go, “I’ll see you both when I come back.”

They walk away, he hears other people bustling around and going their own way, a honk behind him to alert him and his car's position by the sidewalk- so, he can’t claim he’s at his wits when he picks up the stranger’s luggage and puts it in the trunk of his car. He goes straight to the driver’s seat, missing the look of shock from the person left with him.

“Thank you,” said in a soft whisper, is what he hears when the door opens, the stranger claiming the passenger seat.

And again, Hyunjin just nods. In acknowledgement, in approval, in surrender- he doesn’t quite know but he starts the car’s engine and revs down the path back  _ home. _

・・・

Hyunjin knows his way around Seoul, he’s lived there all his life, so it’s no question that he knows where to go or where to drop the stranger off.

_ Stranger _ .

Not like he wants to call him that, his head just generates that common description since he knows that’s what’s left for them both. They were once strangers then became friends before maybe being something more than that before going their own ways and… went back to what they were in the first place.

Still, this stranger has a name. He needs to acknowledge that and flee away from hurting his feelings just to call him by his name. It’s not that he’s being over dramatic but it’s  _ been years _ and not many know what he’s been through- the feelings and questions he’s kept all this time, how hard he’s worked to keep them all bottled up, resisting the urge to throw it away because he wants to keep that part of him- of  _ them _ .

With all his confusing thoughts, he can just believe that he’s on his way home, to the comfort of his house and the smell of his comfy bed- but he’s not. He’s on the road to somewhere he knows well but has been avoiding for quite some time, to somewhere he knows is off limits.

The task he accepted is slowly dawning on him and his hands tremble on the steering wheel for a bit- the passenger on the seat beside him long forgotten.

Not to be his awkward self, he tries to run some questions of what he can ask or anything he can say just to start up a conversation with the person he’s with.

_ Am I allowed to be this… civil with him? _

He’s not sure, nothing is for sure. Although thinking about it now, there is a question he wants to ask so desperately. One he’s used to asking but haven’t done for so long.

After a long pause, his mind staying hollow, all thoughts thrown out for just a while, he takes a deep and slow breath, relaxing his tense body and following the traffic down the road.

“Hwang Hyunjin.”

The stranger called his name out. He looks at him for a split second and he sees that the stranger is looking at him intently. He shivers from it. He fixes himself on his seat and looks back to the road.

Calming himself once again, he breathes through his mouth this time.

“ _ Kim Seungmin _ ,” he finally whispers. Saying the name he’s been keeping close to his heart makes him feel like he’s breaking an invisible wall that should be kept built. He just continues, speaking clearly this time, a question he always asked, “How are you?”

A pause.

“I’m well, Hyunjin-ah,” the other says, “I am allowed to call you that, right? I mean, your dad did say we’re still friends but I wanted to confirm with you first.”

_ We’re more than that. _

_ We were. _

“Of course,” he answers smoothly despite his busy mind, “You can call me anything you want.”

His eyes are facing forward, he won’t dare look anywhere else at this time. He awaits a response from his company.

“Right,” is the answer he gets, “Right.”

Hyunjin can be silly sometimes, or his head might not be in the right track as others, but he can’t blame his response. He didn’t mean it more than what it was.

“You?” the other asks this time, he spares him a glance as a question, “I mean, how have  _ you _ been?”

_ Oh. _

“Same old, same old,” he answers fast, not really wanting to vomit all the words he’s kept inside him, speaking more to himself- as a reminder, “It’s all the same.”

The other hums in response. He knows he’s breaking all defense he’s had but he looks beside him again and sees him looking outside the car window.

“I guess it’s been long since you’ve seen the busy streets of Seoul, huh?”

Their eyes meet each other when Seungmin looks back at him because of his question- looking intently into each others eyes, something that hasn’t been done for a long  _ long _ time.

Hyunjin breaks away first, looking ahead again and making the usual turn to the other’s road.

“It has been long,” the other starts as an answer to him, “Yes, it has been.”

He hates how his head turns and he’s  _ this _ excited to be in speaking terms with the other.  _ Not that this would last _ , he thinks bitterly.

Maybe his mind is correct, he shouldn’t be bothered by any of what’s happening right now. It’s just the  _ same old _ . Nothing is changing. He didn’t even know that the other was returning home, he didn't know anything about him any more. Their separation years back was abrupt but the length of their time without each other was longer than he had imagined.

He doesn’t have a place in the life of the Kim Seungmin any more.

Hwang Hyunjin and Kim Seungmin aren't a pair any more.

And he’ll do his best to remember that.

Making the last round to Seungmin’s street, he suddenly feels the bittersweet taste of regret and longing for the other.  _ It’s time to go _ . He swallows visibly,  _ same old, same old _ .

He stops just outside their gate, where he always dropped the other off when he was still… in town.

“I guess this is your stop,” he says awkwardly, not that he intended to, he scratches his head out of habit and glances at the other.

“Uh, yep,” the person at the passenger says, clicking his seatbelt off, “Want to come in?”

He must have looked shocked because the other backtracked and explained.

“I mean, I just saw your parents as well and it was nice seeing them for a long time,” he receives as a response to his reaction, “They have been asking me about you since… well, since I left. Not exactly all the time, you know, but I think they’ll be glad to see you.”

Hyunjin just nods in response and turns off the engine of his car. He removes his seatbelt, grabs his phone and car keys before stepping out of the vehicle.

He opens the trunk and picks up the luggage there.

“Oh, it’s alright, I can bring that,” the other says, reaching out for his things, he just waves his other hand.

“All good, I can bring it, I was tasked to bring you home anyways,” he just says, clinging onto the others things, the other just looks at him while he looks at the gate in front of them.

The answer might have been plastered on his face but the person just nods and opens the gate to let them both in. He drags the suitcase in with him, his lame  _ reason _ on why he agreed to come in, closing the gate behind him and following the other to their front door.

He must be feeling a lot of things lately but he sways a bit, overwhelmed with all of those  _ feelings _ , he was sure he was doing well just earlier this morning. Funny how just the presence of one person can bring him restless. Still, he’s risking everything he’s pent up all along and putting these  _ feelings _ away just to get more than he can now that the other is with him. A huge price to pay, he knows, but he’ll admit it someday that he  _ needs _ this.

He  _ needs _ Kim Seungmin. Even if this fairy tale ends tonight, once he greets the other’s parents and leaves his luggage with its owner.

It will all be over once the clock strikes twelve, as much as how this Disney movie he’s in would allow- but he will take it all.

_ Bring it on. _

The front door creaks open and the scent of citrus and mint, it’s the scent the other always had, now that he thinks about it. It’s a scent he used to  _ love _ .

“Oh, honey, you’re home!” A woman calls out to where they are and he sees the other being squished into a low hug, he smiles a bit and makes eye contact with the said woman, “And you brought Hyunjin home as well! I was worried since you told us not to pick you up, you should’ve said your  _ boyfriend _ was going.”

Hyunjin visibly winces and he looks questionably to the other. Their eyes don’t meet, though, as the lady releases his son and reaches out to him for a hug, pecking his cheek as a greeting.

“It’s been long, darling, Seungmin always said that you were here in Seoul but you never visited all these years and I thought you two were suffering that hard from a long-distance relationship that you wanted to keep us off-limits as well,” the woman says to him, slapping his arm softly when she relaxes from their hug, “Thanks for bringing him home.”

He scratches his head, not knowing how to respond, he glances at the other for an answer but he just flashed a small shy smile.

“Come on, mom,” the person starts, pulling his mom away, “Where’s dad?”

“Ah, he’s still at work, son,” says the lady, tapping their arms with her hands, “Settle down a bit, I’ll make something fast to eat.”

Hyunjin’s hold on the luggage handle tightened and he thought of using that as an excuse when he says, “Should I bring this to your room, then?”

“Hyunjin, I-” the other starts.

He might be getting good at this and his mind keeps repeating that this wouldn’t last and this shouldn’t even be happening so he shouldn’t put any meaning into it. So, he doesn’t let the other finish what he was going to say and heads to the room up the stairs, still dragging the  _ lame reason _ he gave himself on why he was there.

It’s a bit heavy but he doesn’t want to break his momentum, so he drags himself further up the stairs with the bag in tow and waits for the other in front of the bedroom door.

If Seungmin is looking at him, he doesn’t know, he just wants to finish his task and head home. What he doesn’t expect is the strong scent of all that is  _ Kim Seungmin _ to fill his senses when the bedroom door is opened.

Memories flash its way back to his head and he hates himself that he can’t even stop them from showing up. He tries to blink them all away but he takes a step inside and sees the other fixing the bed in the room, although it seems to already been tidied up, and whatever is in the hand of the other.

He squints a bit, looking at the  _ thing _ intently as it seems familiar. The other person stands near the window curtain on the other side of the room, faces him, and brings the thing behind him that Hyunjin can’t see.

“That’s my varsity jacket, the one you mentioned you liked,” He says dumbly, strolling the suitcase in and  _ finally _ letting it go beside the bedside table, “I did remember leaving it here one time, I just wasn’t sure if I did, it wasn’t in the box you left in front of my house.”

A pause.

The air was thick, he finally surrendered and spared a glance to the other, keeping him there. The other seems to be deep in thought, his lips whispering words he can’t hear, might be debating what to tell him, and he just stands there waiting. He keeps his stance and for once, he isn’t afraid of what he’s about to hear.

“Yes, it’s the jacket I loved  _ the most _ ,” Seungmin finally says, voice low but not much of a whisper, “I’m sorry I kept it.”

“Well, it’s yours,” he just says, his heart stinging because of the words he heard, but yes, he is not afraid. “Nothing to apologize for, it’s yours.”

There’s nothing more he can say. It’s something he was sure he gave to the other but when it wasn’t in the box of memories left at their porch the day after Seungmin told him he’s leaving, he had assumed the other just left with it.

Alas, it was still left at the place where he remembers. It was still at  _ home _ .

Knowing this fact makes his insides turn but he’s more sane than he has ever been after so long so he nods when he doesn’t receive a response from the other and turns away- breaking their eye contact just as he did in the car.

_ Same old, same old _ .

Realizing that an old jacket doesn’t actually have the power to put things to how he wishes it should be, he heads for the door and goes back down. He was nearing the front door when the other called out to him in haste.

“Hyunjin, wait!” he was running to catch up with him, “Why don’t you stay for dinner?”

_ Why couldn’t you have stayed forever? _

“I’m good,” he starts, not really in the mood to keep whatever this is going, “Say goodbye to your mom for me.”

It seems that the other is not down to let his decisions become a reality because a hand extends to stop him and it’s warm on his arm that he almost gives up trying to pretend all that’s happening is  _ okay _ .

“Your parents have left and I know you’ll eat out anyway,” funny how that statement seemed true even to him, he should change his ways so that he won’t be predictable, he’s been the same ever since, “Mom is making something delicious so just stay for a bit and we’ll call it a night.”

With the warm hand on his arm, his mind seemed to be quiet and there wasn’t a rebuttal ready for him to use. Although he knows that he should  _ just go _ , the expectant look from the other made him lose again and he numbly nods before heading for the kitchen. The hand reaching out for the door slipping away from it, not reaching its destination.

The sun was setting outside and he could see the colors darkening the bright room behind him but he just thinks about the smell coming from whatever the lady was cooking and convinces himself that nothing beats a home cooked meal. That it was the only reason why he was extending his supposed-to-be short stay.

His mind was playing it like a mantra and he was thankful for it.

_ Mind over matter _ .

Whatever the matter was, it’s not something he should bother himself with. Now all he needs to do is finish his meal and leave things as how it should be.

He sits down at the dining table across Seungmin and waits patiently, his resolve strong. He’ll definitely not let himself be swayed any more. He’ll definitely be out of the doors after eating.

_ Definitely. _

∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱

Thankfully, the other kept his word and called it a night after their meal was done. He wasn’t expecting it but the other insisted on walking him back to his car. He was cool and even said that it wasn’t even a long walk but still, the other  _ insisted _ \- no resistance can be made.

He had said it was a short walk and it really should be, that’s what his memories remind him, but with the other’s presence beside him, the warmth that he’s been longing was less than a meter away but Hyunjin was a coward to think that he can just extend his hand and reach out to hold the warm body against his,  _ like I used to. _

Sweeping his hair away from his eyes, he forces himself to remember his resolve. This is just a  _ normal _ day and he just needed to bring his parents to the airport. Whatever happened after dropping them off is just a one time thing and tomorrow will start like how today did.

“I hope you don’t mind what mom said a while ago,” he hears from beside him, hearing the others' voices clearly now that they were out and alone, twilight was nearly ending, “My parents still believe that we’re together.”

“Oh.”

It must be the most dumb thing to say, Hyunjin knows, but what else is there to share? His forever had ended the day the person walking beside him left.

“I-,” the other says when they reach the gate, opening it, “I think I can see it in your face that you don’t want to see me again, it might have been too much of me to ask you to stay tonight, but-”

“I miss you,” Hyunjin blurts out, not knowing why and where the sudden confession came, “I always do. But that’s just it. It was not my place to have forced you to stay.”

“Hyunjin-”

“Nah,” he shakes his head, finally flashing a smile to the other, “I just wanted to say it, I guess. I will never again, no worries.”

“No, I wanted to say that-”

Whatever the other was about to say gets cut off as his phone rings. It was strange but he felt thankful, his tightening chest was an indication that he wasn’t ready for any more the other had in store for him. So, he steps out of the opened gate and heads to his car.

Pointing to his phone, he waves a hand to the man looking at him, he heads to the driver's seat, picking up the call.

“Han Jisung,” he calls out, “Strange for you to call me at this hour, I must say, is something up?”

“Yeah, man,” the crackly voice on the other side says, “Your ex boyfriend has arrived.”

It happened a lot in just one day but Hyunjin winces once again. A lot of words to explain what and who  _ Kim Seungmin  _ is to him and that one might just be the best description. Still, he decides to play silly.

“Ah, okay.”

He spares a glance to the subject of the conversation he’s having. The man is looking at him expectantly.

“Don’t you use that tone on me, Hwang Hyunjin,” the person on the phone tattles on him, “This is huge! I’m telling you that your ex is here. It’s now a good chance to win him back.”

It’s an inviting proposal, he thinks, and he has been holding the look the other has been giving him- keeping him there. The person was mouthing something and as much as he wanted to disregard it, he needed to look.

_ Jisung? _ Is the question thrown at him, he understands and nods as confirmation and receives a huge smile in response.

“I need to go, sung,” he dismisses and he hears a  _ what the hell dude _ as he removes the phone from his ear and ends the call. It was unpresented of him to click on airplane mode but he wanted silence. He tucks his phone in his back pocket.

“Are you meeting with him?” Seungmin calls out to him.

“No, not really,” he answers and adds, “It’s not him to call me on a busy weekday. He probably just woke up, too.”

“Oh, right,” the other exclaims and Hyunjin sees him smile wide,  _ cute _ , he scratches his head, “He’s a producer now isn’t he?”

“Yes,”  _ he became one a year after you left _ , “Yes, he is.”

“There’s so many things to catch up on!” and he sees the man clasp his hands together, “We’ll do it soon, yeah?”

“Do what?”  _ huh? _

“Catch up.”

“Oh. Right. Sure.”

What more has he to say? He doesn’t really know. Everyone is aware of his weakness. He was acting strong all this time because this said  _ weakness _ wasn’t around to make him lose his cool. But that’s not the situation now.

“Thanks, Hyunjin-ah,” he hears as he opens his car door, “You took the words out of my mouth but, me too, I miss you.”

The time the words register in his mind and he flips his head to the gate, it was already closed shut.  _ Funny _ , he thinks, he’s been shut down again. Such wistful words that left him hanging. It’s not the first time but it’s been a while. The questions flood his mind and he lets them, he accepts all memories that slowly blur his foggy mind- he accepts  _ Kim Seungmin _ back.

・・・

If the universe knew how to play tricks on him, he believes that they chose a great day. He jumped back to the busy streets of Gangnam to head back home. What an ironic reality that he really was going to pass by the other’s city if he’s heading home from the airport- so it wasn’t something he can pass as a detour. He was  _ supposed _ to be in that city, just not in that specific place.

Hoping the traffic wasn’t that busy, his hopes were high that he will be home in less than an hour- and so he turns the radio on. What he should have expected though is when a familiar intro plays, he’s really doomed.

Whoever thought Day6 were perfect for radio music were geniuses, he agreed, just not for tonight. I Smile starts to play and despite being alone in the vehicle, Hyunjin tries to shoo his feelings away. The meaning the song brings is heavy in his heart and he almost laughs hysterically because of how unexpected it was. After much thought, he does just that, he laughs like a madman when he stops at a red light.

The cars beside him may have heard him and he didn’t mind, he was in his own haven, he just wanted to let everything go while his courage was at its peak- letting the songs lyrics pour out all the feelings he has bottled up inside. A great representation of them now that he is back to where he stated.

Why?

Because Seungmin is  _ back _ .

Jisung’s words from his call creeps up his skin. How is he supposed to win back the person who broke his heart? He may not have an answer to that yet but it’s bittersweet that he doesn’t even think twice and just acknowledges that yes, he’ll want him back if he could. He  _ needs _ him back.

The world he’s put himself into for the past half-decade was a struggle- they had just graduated high school, their youths prime, the 3 years of their blossom and his dreams for the future were suddenly crashed when the words  _ I’m leaving _ were said to him the summer after their last year as high school students.

Shaking his head in an attempt to keep the unwanted thoughts away, the green light glows in front of him and he changes the gear to continue his drive home.

Unknowingly glancing at the passenger seat beside him, he remembers senior high and the day he took the driving test a month after his birthday passed. They were born in the same year but since his birthday was earlier, he decided to take the test first.

He’d been practicing long, his father teaching him since that year started and it was no shock to anyone that he passed in his first try. Yes, he didn’t have his own car then, but his father allowed them to go on a drive a week after he got his license.

It’s one of the many days Hyunjin has kept close to his heart. It wasn’t even close to the  _ Hyundai Sonata _ his father had but his  _ Kia Soul _ was one of his proud achievements. He may have no memories of the other in his own vehicle but letting the thoughts in his mind made him remember that beautiful day.

As much of a Day6 fan the other was, the same band was the one playing in the car. It was summer then, the start of their vacation as graduates. Did he know then? That the other had plans kept even from him? Most likely not. Hyunjin never had that kind of thought and that might have been the reason why he was let down more than he had imagined.

Comparing today from the one he remembers in his memory, he listens a bit and laughs how the songs lyrics match his situation perfectly.  _ When i'm with you; As if nothing happened; As if i'm doing fine; I have to _ .

_ I have to. _

It was  _ Congratulations _ playing back then, the debut song of the group. He was concentrating on driving that he hadn’t given much thought of it back then but thinking about it in retrospect, he claims the want to go back and relive listening to the other sing. Each song lyric flowing out from him was angelic and it had always been one of his hobbies to listen to him singing.

They were in that enclosed space, alone, dangerous in the road with no one to guide them- yet, the others singing calmed him down and made him think of how he’d enjoy nights like that, it’s what encouraged him to be better in the future and have his own car to drive the other around town. Now, he lets the thought of the lost car dates and late night drives get lost in his insanity- his wishes of longevity long gone.

Another red light stops him on his track and he closes his tired eyes for a bit, leaning back on the driver’s seat headboard, not hating the fact that the younger one showed up in front of his dark vision. The thought clear and his memories belying him since he was sure that the other was happier and crazier that night. Opening his eyes, he glances beside him before looking at the stoplight- reminding himself the difference of dreams and reality.

Dreams are the scattered thoughts of his past and the future he had pictured for them and the reality is the present he’s in, driving back home,  _ alone _ .

How that night ended was what made the recollection harder to take. They ended up driving to Namsan, they had wanted to reach high, as far as the car would allow. They did, after all his worries, the other kept on praising him saying he believed he could.  _ You got your license in just one try, you were born to drive _ , was what was said to him,  _ and I’m here for it _ . It was not their first time up there but the night felt more special to him, then. It had felt free, the younger's hand was in his and they were talking about nothing special.

Pictures were taken, with him being the best model to his special photographer. It was a bit funny to think that they were fond of taking pictures of each other but never together. Not counting the ones they have with their friends, those wherein they were seated beside each other, the ones where it was solely them two were rare. Still, all those captures shot that night were heavenly to him, the other was glowing in the night and he was there to see it all.

They ended up in one of the dead spots of the mountain, one not too far away from the locks but not easily found by people. There was a small bench and they had sat down, the adrenaline of their get away slowly seeping out of their fingertips and the dawn of going back home soon made them drunk with each other’s presence.

_ I love you. _

The younger had whispered. He remembers whipping his head to his side to confirm if those words were really said, they had said it a few times but they were more for actions than words, yet the sudden confession had his heart constricting in his chest. He recalls how the others eyes glowed when they looked at him, repeating the words that were said with more conviction. And him, shocked and beyond ecstatic, brought his hand up to the back of his companion’s head, bringing him closer, breathing into the night and to the face against him, and kissed him.

It was sweet, it was slow, it was sudden, but his emotions got the better of him and he had wanted to express how much hearing those words meant to him. Replying with the same amount of affection.

_ I love you _ .

He had said those words in his mind then, the words passing through his mind now, too.

It was true, it was real, it was pain, everything he had experienced to make this  _ love _ work had made him numb and lonely in the end but reminiscing that night had the warmth scattered all over his being, had him thinking.

The band’s song was just about to finish, the image of the other’s hearty smile fills his vision and Hyunjin allows it, reciprocating it.

_ Kim Seungmin, I love you. _

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When the usual curb to his home was in sight, his knees suddenly felt soft as it trembled. He was finally  _ home _ .

It was a tiring day and it was cynical that the clock hadn't even struck 7 PM. Finally,  _ finally _ , reaching their garage door, he puts the car on neutral and runs to open the door. He goes back and brings his car in to rest, with him going inside the house through the back door.

The usual scent of Hyacinth and wood fills his senses and he makes a detour to the kitchen to confirm if the other had been right that he was going to eat out if he had left instead- when leaving is something he can’t actually do. But scratch that, he opens the refrigerator and sees uncooked eggs, raw meat and chicken in the freezer and the ever so tasty kimchi.

_ Meh _ , not actually something he’d have himself eat at night so he surrenders and approves that yes, he would have eaten a fast food meal instead. He chuckles slightly, not hating the fact that the other seemed so sure with him, had he not changed at all these past years?

Now that the theory has been proven, he heads up to his room and lies down on his neat bed, the blanket crinkling where he’s lied down. At long last, he has all the time to himself and now is the time to think about all that has happened in the past few hours. Aside from going on half-day at work and eating an early lunch with his parents, he thinks it’s safe to say that the events after that was what made him now overthinking.

Why is he back? Would this be for good?  _ Wait _ , why does his mom think we’re still together? Are we still together?  _ Hold up _ , in reality we didn’t really break up, we just… parted ways… and never spoke to each other since, so- We would have kept in contact if we wanted to keep things between us, right?  _ I did- I do, I want to keep whatever we had still _ .

_ What about Seungmin? _

The thought suddenly made him wonder why he’s even having this conversation with himself. He has made a resolve that this was the  _ same old, _ that he should handle this thinking with his  _ mind over matter _ .

It doesn’t matter if the other is back, it doesn’t matter that his mom thinks he’s still  _ the _ boyfriend, it doesn’t matter because the other would have said something if he wanted Hyunjin to be aware of their status- of where they actually stand with each other and not just being labeled as  _ the bestest of friend _ .

They were strangers being civil with each other, reliving the old times, like bringing your old pal back to the city you both grew up in, reminding him of where he came from and letting him enjoy the moment. It was not recalling what they once were and starting anew, like picking him up from the airport, driving him home in your car and eating dinner at his place, not that.  _ Definitely _ .

Hyunjin knows it’s long gone, the one in a million spark they both shared, the magic, the  _ love _ . He has accepted it the day after the other told him he was leaving for the states and he went to his house early in the morning and left devastatingly empty.

No one was there. He had entered the gate using the spare key hidden in the post box of the household when no one came out to open up for him after 10 minutes of continuous knocking. The house was empty and no one answered no matter how many times he called out- to Seungmin, to his mom, his dad, to whoever that could hear him. Sneaking into the house through the door at the back near the kitchen, he goes straight to the others bedroom only to be shocked with how big the empty room felt with the only thing left is his varsity jacket that was near the pillows on the bed.

Multiple messages, tons of calls, and even the plan of stealing his father’s car for the day were done- just to reach him wherever he was. He ended up taking the wrong stop in the train and started to walk home from the neighbouring city to his, not one of his call-outs were answered, they weren’t even seen.

Here he is now living the future he didn’t want to be part of, admitting he’s never let go of his first love and first everything, curling himself to the side now that he’s laying cold in his large bedroom, realizing he never ended up  _ okay _ when days that passed had now ended up to be years.  _ It’s okay to not be okay _ , he muses the excuse in his mind, cueing the rain of sad thoughts his head creates.

Nature must have been on his side that night as the droplets from the sky did start pouring and he made sure to keep his voice silent as unwanted tears slowly sneaked it’s way down his cheek, staining the bed sheet wet. He was so sure that he had moved on, the moment 3 years had passed and there was a clear indication that the younger one was  _ not _ coming back, he gave up waiting. He had given up dreaming that the other would show up on his doorstep one day and tell him how much he misses him and needs him, that what they had was real and that he was important, that what they had was precious and something for the books and a story their children had to tell. The scene didn’t sound convincing any more.

It didn’t occur to him that he’d ever be in this situation as everything had ended the way it was, so being here, seeing the younger after  _ all these years _ should not make him want  _ more _ . It should not make him expect that he could still change his fate, that he could get his love back and live his happily ever after Disney movie.

_ Just one day, not even half of a day _ .

All should end at that. There’s no Hyunjin and Seungmin any more. It was just him, Hyunjin, and he was him, Seungmin.

Hyunjin will do his best to remember that. Plaster it to his mind and tattoo it to his heart, he’s lonely and out of love but he’s okay. He needs this, he’ll finally heal one day. But while he’s here, he’ll bask himself in the loneliness the night brings as he cuddles himself to sleep.

_ Good night, to us. _

・・・

An alarm with his voice screaming at him to wake up fills the room and he twists and turns in bed, definitely not in the condition to start a new day. Still, after making up his mind before he fell asleep the night before, he groggily pulls himself up to start his day as it had been any other he woke up to.

He showers quickly and toasts bread while cooking eggs, packing them up for work and leaves to start his day. It would have never dawned on him, if you asked middle school-er Hyunjin, that he’d end up as a morning person. The picture of sunsets always filled his mind and he believed that’s what he would wake up to every day while killing his body the whole night, working his ass off for a living. He’s gotten used to waking up to sunshine that he’s accustomed himself to.

A thought popping up in his head, english is not his mother tongue but he’s learned bits and bits of it from his circle of friends. They would call it a cult, as there were only 4 same-aged friends in the group and the others were from different years yet they were all so close- 7 stayed and continued on with their life in Seoul while only Seungmin left. Since Hyunjin had no explanation on the sudden event, even the eldest of their circle was not able to pry any information from him. They still went on and bonded when they had time.

Mornings weren’t that hard to handle, Hyunjin always had his own route to work and that’s exactly where he’s headed. Thinking of his closest friends reminds him of the mini reunion his elementary classmates set up for the coming weekend- and it dawns on him that it’s most likely the reason why he met the stranger from yesterday.

Grinning, he finally solved the puzzle, he knew there’s a clearer reason on why there was a sudden coming back that happened. If his mind sounded disappointed, his heart was happy, he needed that excuse to use.

Arriving to work in no time, Hyunjin drops his things off his floor first and comes back down from his floor to buy himself up some morning tea- something better than drinking bitter coffee to start his day. He might have been earlier than he thought he was as the short line of people waiting that he usually walked up to when he came in to Starbucks was empty.

Walking up to the counter, “The usual,” is what he says to the boy at the counter and gives his card to pay. The barista nods at him and faces back to fix his drink as he walks to the pick-up counter, glancing at the grandfather seated near the window, reading what seems to be the day’s newspaper.

These small things are what he always considered as little things he should be happy and thankful for, it’s not every day that you don’t have to stand waiting in a long line to place an order in one of your go-to cafes, and it still amazes him how the elderly people stick to what they’re used to and still reads the morning paper every day.

“Here you go,” he hears a soft voice say and he whips his head to see his drink being passed to him, the kid goes back to his post by the cashier while rubbing his eyes. He walks to the door, tea in hand, throwing a quick thank you to the person at the counter.

Starting his walk back to his building, he lets the heat of the paper cup warm his hands, holding it near his stomach while basking himself in the view of the high buildings and the busy street surrounding him. He quiets his mind and avoids any thoughts coming into it, reaching the last corner to cross, he stops on his tracks as cars were still on the green light, exiting their way out of the alley, the red person indicating he should stay where he is, glaring at him.

A car and the ones behind it slows down and he glances at the stop light,  _ green, orange, red _ . He glances to his right and a pair of eyes are staring at him, he briefly sees the red person changing to green, indicating his trek to the pedestrian crossing- he returns the stare of the person driving their car, smiling a bit, then looks back ahead and walks away- the car moved slightly, seeming to want to catch up with him but he continues on, it was just a morning greeting.

The walk back to his destination ended up being in a hurry, his surroundings now a blur, he’s in a state of moving on and seeing things- whether real or not, is not helping him one bit. Finally reaching the lobby of his office, he heads straight to the elevators and lines up with the people waiting to board it- his short travel for his tea turning out to be longer than he wanted.

The warmth in his hands were gone.

If his officemates noticed something wrong with him, no one bothered to ask, and he’s never one to tell. Still, he’s thankful that no new events happened after the shock he was given earlier that morning. Hyunjin finally breathed out when his day ended and dinner time was near- he was starving.

Fixing his desk up, his phone lights up and a name he wants to avoid shows up, calling him.

_ Han Jisung _ .

It’s a natural reaction but he sighs into the air, he knows he’s not ready to talk with any of his close friends at this time, especially the person calling since he did drop the phone on him yesterday.

He picks the call up.

“Hwang Hyunjin,” the voice in the receiver says, “You are well aware that you did not let me finish what I was saying yesterday, hell we didn’t even finish our conversation, when you ended the call yesterday.”

“Where are you?” he just asks.

“Funny, my dear friend, you are,” is the answer he gets, “Hurry down now.”

It would come as a surprise to others, having someone like Jisung in his life, but they’re more similar than people take them to be- but he would never tell his friend that. He’s been his pillar for the past years that he’s more sorry than thankful for him. He’ll proudly say that he’s the one who knows him best. As far as he knows.

Fixing his desk clean, he grabs his things and gets off at the basement and as expected, his friend was leaning on his car’s hood, awaiting his arrival. He clicks his keys and the doors unlock, Jisung looks to him and he stands on the drivers side.

With the other intently looking at him, he didn’t let himself down and stared back, intentionally making his eyes look strong. The squirrel tilts his head and he does the same, he pouts and he does it too, he puts his hand under his chin and he copies it. The other ends the game first, opens the door on his side and buckles himself in the car- he follows suit.

“What the hell happened yesterday?” his friend asks, “My call could not have made you easily change overnight. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“I don’t know, mum,” he teases as he starts the car engine, “You tell me, where are we going?”

“Remember the fancy restaurant we ate at last month? There.”

“Why are we having a fancy dinner in the middle of the work week?” he questions, a bit glad to have the subject changed.

“Well, you my friend, deserves a hearty meal,” the other says, “Especially when it’s for free.”

“I doubt you’ll drag me to  _ A Veneto’s _ just because I dropped the call on you yesterday and even pay for my dinner,” he laughs lightly, unable to figure out what the other is up to.

“Felix said he was free tonight and he was so desperate to meet up, I told him it was important I speak with you tonight and he forced me to drag you with,” the other explains, “I’m beating two birds with one stone here, I’ll get to pester you for yesterday and eat for free.”

“You might want to think about meeting one of our friends after a long time, too, Sung,” he glances beside him, the other looking  _ strangely _ innocent, “I haven’t seen Felix in months.”

“Three.”

“Huh?”

“You haven’t seen any of our friends for the past three months,” Jisung tells him, “Man, I love being alone too but if my friends call me out and I  _ know _ I do have time to kill then you know I’ll go running.”

“That long, huh,” is what he only says, feeling more apologetic when it dawns on him how much he’s keeping everyone at a distance again, “You know you’re the only one who’ll last.”

“Not funny, man,” the other grumpily says and he sees him fiddle with the air conditioner, “Minho thinks I check up on you more than him, he’s not vocal but I know, and there’s no excuse I can give.”

“You know you’re not obligated to,” he says nonchalantly, “You know how I am whether I tell you or not.”

Was that a slip-of-the-tongue? Hyunjin is not too sure, he’s never been this lonely and closed off to Jisung. He spares a glance to the passenger seat, the other is once again staring at him.

The red light shows up and he steps on the breaks, looking at his companion after.

“Will it ever change?” his friend whispers to the air, avoiding his eyes and looking outside.

“What do you want to change?” he asks back.

“I dunno, bro,” the other looks at him again, “You’re living, I get that, but live your life and enjoy your youth. I’ve told you this many times but we’re back on this conversation again.”

The green light shows up and he continues on to drive into the city, the traffic a bit light for a Wednesday night.

“I listen to you, you know that, and I am living more than I ever had because of your help,” he tells him seriously, thinking this is the route the other wants to go for their convesation, he continues onto the night, “You’ve done more than what a friend can do for me, Han Jisung. I know and can see it in your eyes, the affection you have for me, and I don’t want that to hold you up with your lovelife. I can also see how much Minho hyung means to you and if you want to take the next step with him, do it, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’m just scared that you’re enjoying solidarity too much, allowing me to do more things in my life, that you won’t need a friend like me any more- since you’re satisfied with just yourself,” the other slaps back, “You’ll slowly close your doors and I don’t want to have my keys lost just because you opted to leave it somewhere forgotten.”

And that’s the crux of it, Hyunjin thinks, it’s just as his friend says, with his greed to keep all to himself, he’ll silently kill all the relationships he has with people, have them move on without him and clean up unwanted episodes down memory lane. He’ll be his own world wherein he’ll know no love and no one can love him back. He’ll silence all his ghosts away and block human interaction- even he can’t understand how he copes like this, when it started, how his friend pulled him out of the Abyss, he’ll end up back there.

There wasn’t a rebuttal to his friends statement, sadly, they were both aware.

“I’ll be okay,” he says, throat dry with the almost lie, “You’ll call out to me when you miss me and I’ll show up just as you’d want.”

“That’s not what I mean,” the other intervenes.

“I know what you mean, Sung,” he says softly, letting his friend know how he feels, “I’m going to be okay.”

The man beside him scoffs as he said that, he would have too.

“I got to say, you’re getting good at lying,” his friend seethes, “Just know I’m worried about you.”

“Always,” he answers smoothly, “I’m thankful, always.”

_ I’ll forever be sorry, friend _ .

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They reach the restaurant soon enough and he lets his friend go ahead as he finds a spot to park. The rest of the drive was quiet after their discussion. He was feeling a bit guilty but he was more grateful knowing he has someone like his friend. Remembering the reason why he was there, he pockets his important belongings and locks his car before heading to the main door of the diner.

Scanning the tables, there’s a hand waving at him from far away. He concludes it’s Jisung, waving big like that in a place that’s formal, then one of his friends pop up in his line of view- Felix was walking to him.

“Long time no see, bro,” the Aussie says with his deep voice,  _ nothing changed _ , enveloping him in a bear hug, “How have you been?”

“ _ Same old, same old _ ,” an answer he has accustomed himself to, “How did Jisung force you to buying dinner for us three?”

“Who says I’m buying?” the other confusingly asks and he’s dragged to their table, asking Jisung, “Why am I paying?”

“Oh weren’t you?” Jisung asks, “I assumed you were since you were the one who invited.”

“About that…” the younger of the twins starts- that’s what Hyunjin calls the two, “I was kinda instructed to invite you two.”

“Not by Changbin hyung, I hope,” the older of the two jokingly said, earning him a slap on the arm.

“We can meet up with him any time, you see him more than I do!” the other accuses, the volume of his voice almost reaching max, making other guests in the resto glance and them. They all cower down on their seats.

“Then who else would have made you do this?”

It was as if he was back in a game he was illegally playing for as soon as his friend asked that, the winds started blowing and the three of them whipped their heads to the source of it- the door opened and revealed the person the table of friends was missing.

_ Kim Seungmin _ .

“Seungmin’s back for the reunion this weekend, said he urgently needed to have some things fixed too,” Felix starts, whispering over their table as they were all looking towards the man walking to where they are, “Called me yesterday and we had a long talk about missing the milleniums’ night outs, I mentioned dinner and he agreed to pay for it.”

The universe hates him.

“Hi guys! It’s nice to finally meet you guys again,” their main guest says, arriving at their shared table, smiling wide and sitting in front of Hyunjin, “How are you all?

“Kim Seungmin,” Jisung whispers and the other three look at him as he looked up and stared at the person he was calling, Hyunjin visibly facepalmed, wishing that the other was just playing games, “Is it that easy for you to come back after almost 5 years of walking out on us and just ask us how we are like we just met each other last week?”

Hyunjin shivers in his seat.

A few seconds tick by, the four of them sit still.

“Jisung, I-” Seungmin starts and the other cuts him off.

“You brat, not even an  _ i miss you _ or  _ hey i brought you something from overseas _ or even an  _ it’s been long huh _ ?” and it was clear now that he was teasing, Hyunjin relaxed in his seat, “Five long years…”

“Are you really expecting that I’ll say something as greasy as that to a friend like you?” the youngest amongst them laughed, “We need to save ourselves from the cringe.”

“Well, I am a fan of that  _ cringe _ ,” Felix says and looks at their friend seated beside him, reaching an arm to give him a small hug,  _ Lix has always been like that _ , “I missed you, Seungmin-ah.”

No one could ever resist their fairy when he was being soft so they all chuckled lightly and the two ended their hug.

“At least you’re paying for dinner, I deserve this,” the talkative friend says.

“Can’t you say something more suitable to express your gratitude?” the snail remarks.

“Why are you two starting this again?” the one with the low voice butts in.

They were being noisy, he knows, young adults fresh out of college and starting their lives in the real world- finally reunited after a long time.

Kim Seungmin is seated in front of him and he remembers the time that their two friends tried dating each other, the four of them ate at Mcdonald’s- it’s the only one their poor and young selves can afford at that time and they were seated just how they are now. The two broke it off when they believed that being bestest of friends worked better for them and he… well, Hyunjin started to dream about forever then, now something in the past.

As far as their bickering could go, they were there for a reason, so he looked around and saw one of the waitresses looking at their table- they need to place their order soon before it gets noisy with all their questions for one another.

The lady strut to their table and they were given the menu.

He leans back, not really in the mood to choose what he would eat, the menu was taken by the man in front of him anyway. His crazy mind is so uncontrollable that he just stares at the other, looking at him intently, noticing how his eyes enlarge slowly while going through the food the resto has.

“Oh look, Eggplant pie,” Seungmin says, grinning at him, suddenly making his heart do a somersault, he sits up, “Have you changed your food preferences these past years?”

“You wish,” his good friend cut in and Hyunjin thanks he does, the other looks to his friend and he takes that chance to calm his heart as the other continues on, “If even you couldn’t have convinced him to eat it even in the most discreet way possible, then how could us.”

“You’re missing out on something big here, Hyunjin-ah,” Felix then says, “Should we order one, then?”

“I vote no,” he says clearly, acting a little bit irritated, “Unless you’ll all eat it, I vote no for me.”

“Maybe just a bite?” Seungmin asks him, looking very cute because he’s tilting his head,  _ oh my goodness why is this happening _ , “Or maybe not?”

The waitress giggles and the 4 of them chuckle with her.

“I’ve always had 1 or 2 couples go through this kind of fight when their partner is a choosy picker,” she says, her choice of words sounding right at a wrong time, she looks at the man across him, “What do you think?”

“Do I win because he’ll eat a bite or do I win because he’ll be annoyingly cute?” is what he asks back. He hears a man sputter beside him,  _ isn’t that indirectly calling him cute? _

_ What? _

“It depends on you, I guess,” the lady nonchalant says, “In the end, it what you think is best for him that you choose.”

“Even if it doesn’t make either of us happy? Is what the other says, the end being almost a whisper as he looks at him, their eyes meeting, something strange creeping up his spine makes him shiver.

“As I said, if it’s what’s best.”

“Alright,” the other claps his hands, avoiding his eyes, “I won’t order that. How about you two?”

His friends say a bunch of food names he may or may not have heard yet but he’s in his own cloud. Does this meeting mean something? Were the familiar set of eyes he had crossed paths with the other day Seungmin’s? Is he going insane? Did time stop the day the other left and now that he’s back, the clock started ticking again, and they’re back together?

Is that it?

Hyunjin scratches his head, does it again just to make the thoughts flurry away from his brain, he just wants to eat dinner.

・・・

Thankfully, they really did just eat, the others talking about their jobs and what they were up to these days. Nothing of the past and none of his boring life. He did take note of the other saying that he was back to settle some things, bringing up the possibility of applying for a US citizenship, and attending the mini reunion the day after.

Jisung had asked him when he was leaving but he didn’t get the response he wanted.

“I’m not sure,” the youngest of them said, smiling a bit to them, “If I finish the things I should, maybe then I’ll be able to leave with a lighter heart.”

Not to be him, but if he was one of those  _ things _ , he won’t let the other leave again.

Maybe Jisung was right, this might be the time to catch up and set things back to where they should. This might be a gift from the heavens, he can finally have love back.

Dinner was eventful for him and the 3 elder ones thanked the puppy for treating them out.

“Chris-hyung would definitely want to hear from you soon, Seungmin,” Felix said, they were now headed to the door, “We should meet up with the hyungs, too.”

“Plus Jeongin,” Jisung adds, nodding his head, “Let’s not forget the maknae.”

“If we could all work out a time to meet after the reunion tomorrow,” the other looks up to the sky as he opens the doors out of the diner, “We should be able to have that settled.”

“I’ll speak with Chris and Changbin hyung,” Felix raises his hand, volunteering.

“Then I’ll tell Minho hyung and Innie,” Jisung says, counting the numbers with his fingers, “That settles all, right?”

“Great, Sunday?” Seungmin then says.

“I’ll text you,” the fairy replies to him, “We’ll speak with them first.”

“Alright,” the squirrel then ends, “How do we go home?”

“I’ll give you a ride if you’d want,” his twin says then looks at him, “You’re good to bring Seungmin home?”

“Huh?” he doesn’t mean to sound dumb but he’s out of thoughts.

“Just take that as a yes, Lix,” his best friend waves his hand dismissively, tapping his and Seungmin’s arms, “We’ll go ahead!”

Felix is dragged away from the group and he just waves back at them.

The week hasn’t ended and he’s had more than a few shocks than he had warrantied. He knows he’s insured but he might just die because of unnatural causes.

“Sorry, I should have brought my own car,” the younger says beside him, smiling apologetically, “Yes, I was the one you saw the other day.”

_ I knew it. _

“Oh,” he really needs to expand his vocabulary, “No worries, my car has 4 extra seats that are unoccupied anyways.”

“Right…”

He looks at his side, their dinner out made him feel things he hadn’t for a while and he wanted to be sure, he wanted to make certain of things this time around. It sounded selfish but nothing will happen if they don’t talk about anything.

“Seungmin, I-” he starts, the strain of calling the other’s name still evident in his voice, it’s been so long.

“That’s your car, right?” the other suddenly says, pointing to a car that does look like his.  _ Why is this happening? _ It would either be him or the other who’d avoid such situations.

They can’t avoid this forever, though.

It may have been fear or the garble of words each of them wants and can’t say that makes the car ride more quiet, even their breaths were silent, it was deafening. Twenty minutes in the travel, Hyunjin connects his phone to the car’s bluetooth and clicks shuffle in his library.

Penalty by Louie of Geeks plays and he settles in his seat, driving comfortably, resisting the urge to look at the person seated beside him- still  _ scared _ of what he can do or may say.

He reaches the other’s house sooner than later and keeps the engine on idle as he finally looks at his companion.

Seungmin had fallen asleep and his head was leaning on the cars window, his body crumpled to the right- and there goes his feelings, resurrecting from where it lay deep down in his scarred heart. He reaches a hand out, slowly, extending it.  _ Just once _ is the excuse his mind gives.

A little bit more.

A few movements more.

His fingers near the other’s cheeks and he could almost feel the warmth it’s emanating. He won’t regret this.

Then the younger moves and he hurriedly extracts his arm back, feeling how much of a shame it was that he was so slow to action.

“Huh?” the other mumbles as he fixes himself upright, “That was quick.”

“Was it?” his throat itches, “Well, here’s your stop.”

They look at each other and Hyunjin  _ sees  _ it. The man is half asleep but his lips were mumbling things he can’t hear and as the other kept looking back from the vehicle’s radio then back to him, it was clear- they both had things to tell. He knows it should be said now, before it’s too late, and so he composes words and sentences in his chaotic mind, hoping he gets to say what his heart wants him to.

“Thanks, Hyunjin,” the other says, his voice suddenly too loud that they both winced, “I’ll go ahead.”

Just as when he had found courage to speak his heart out, the other was still avoiding it. Will they ever get to it?

“Sure,” he answers to the wind, the other long gone and he wasn’t even able to follow him to his gate.

Driving home alone suddenly tasted like spoiled milk and missed opportunities but all Hyunjin wanted was to have things settled as soon as possible,

Make the pain cease.

Arriving home never felt bitter as any other day but he needed to move on, he already did, as far as he knows, he had accepted that things would not change, his thoughts were just tainted with hope because of his friends’ presence but is now gone as he can think things clearly.

As a mantra he has been telling himself this past days, he vows to just let things be, let the puzzle pieces fall where they should, and let the other do what he wants to him- make him happy or hurt him and leave him in pain again, it doesn’t matter. Knowing this is an opportunity he won’t get again, even if half a decade or a full one passes, he won’t be twenty five any more.

He’ll keep his thoughts, opinions and words to himself and he’ll allow all defense to fall and let himself be filled with nothing but  _ Kim Seungmin _ . Until time permits, until the other permits.

_ Make it hurt more. _

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The weekend of the reunion came by faster than Hyunjin would have wanted. Passing by the living room to the kitchen and the stairs to his room, he remembers his very first visit to Seungmin’s house- where he was shown around, he even took a long peek on the other’s photo album gathered by his mom. He was a baseball player when he was younger and his mom had all sorts of pictures taken for each game and event he had gone to.

It was a similar feeling, of opening a new chapter in your life and you are scared knowing the possibility of failure. He was accepted by the others family, then, their son continued to babble on stories about his past and continued to tell each secret about the photos shown to him. Except now is a different time and situation. He’s not attending to impress anyone, he’s not going to catch someone’s attention, he’s going because his friend is dragging him to go.

Weirdly, Hyunjin doesn’t want the night to end, so the next day would not come, understanding how much of a dizzy mind he has. He was so sure of his thoughts and plans when he stepped out of his car a while ago and yet here he is, back to being a  _ pussy _ .

Climbing up the stairs, he thinks of how to make his plan to work, when there’s no other way but to just  _ go with the flow _ . Whatever the younger would have him do, make him feel, what to say, he will.

_ I will _ .

What comes unprecedented is the knock he hears at the front door. He’s near his bedroom door and stops in front of it to void any other sound, the taps on the door ensues.

_ Who could it be at this late hour? _

Juggling his mind, he knows the most insane person he knows that could be on the other side of the door is Jisung, but Felix had brought him home. Unless the two had a different agenda for the night, he couldn’t come up with someone else. Thinking of how they should have had that door peeper in their house, his hand trembles once he’s at the other side of the door.

The knocking slowed down and he thought that whoever it was is now done with their prank. He makes a move to step away.

“Hwang Hyunjin!” a familiar voice calls out. Seungmin’s.

“I know you’re there, the light in the garage turned off as soon as I got off the taxi. Open up!”

Nothing could have ever prepared him for this event, his thoughts get scrambled and he remembers all the things he had listed down in his head. He’ll never be ready for this.

So, he opens the door.

“Hey,” he says, one of his most used words, “How are you?”

“I’m good,” the man on the other side of the door says, “Mind letting me in?”

“Oh sure, yes, of course,” he answeres, stepping aside to let the stranger in, “What’s up?”

If he was being too civil, no one seemed to notice, no cared for that matter.

“I needed to talk to you.”

“I thought we were going to talk in the car,” he says, walking to the kitchen, guiding the other.

“Well, I just woke up and was out of my wits, I hadn’t registered anything,” the other says as an excuse.

“This seems to be important, though, seeing you hurriedly left and came here not minutes after I arrived.”

“Well, I don’t think we’ll ever get the chance…” the younger trailed, not finishing his thought, they were now across each other in his house’s kitchen.

_ We think the same, still _ .

“Water?” he asks.

“Please,” the other answers.

He waves his hand to the seat on the counter and the younger sits on one of the high stools, he fills 2 glasses with water and seats himself beside his visitor, passing one of the cups to him.

“Thanks,” the other breathes and drinks, finishing it til the last drop, “I was rather thirsty, too.”

He just nods, like always, and angles his body to where the other is seated, letting him know that his whole attention is on him.

Time passes, it may have been short or longer than he thought, the glass in his hand now warm, before the other breathes in and sits up.

“I love you,” three words he hadn’t heard for so long,  _ where did that come from? _

“I said, I love you,” the younger stated, looking at him, their gazes holding each other in their place, “I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to say it again or even find the opportunity to, but I wanted it out of my chest.”

A second passes.

“How do you want me to react to that?” he shrieks, feeling overwhelmed. He needs to keep himself calm now than ever.

“I don’t know,” the other suddenly shies away in his seat, bending towards the countertop, “However you want to.”

“Well, I love you,” he confesses, feeling light, letting go of the words he’s practiced a lot of times and now he won’t make the same mistake again and not say it, “Always have, always will.”

“But I left,” the other says, his head falling to the cold surface of the table, facing him, “I told you I was going to leave a day before I did and broke off all communications after.”

“You must have your reasons,” he said, it’s the excuse he always had in hid mind, “And I won’t question you on that.”

“I didn’t even answer any of your letters, messages, calls.” the other continued, “Not yours and so not for the others as well.”

“That’s in the past,” he says smoothly, he already knows all this, there’s no reason to keep themselves trapped in things that they cannot amend.

“Yet now that I suddenly came back and I’m claiming that I love you, you just accept it? Even telling me those words as well?” the other questions, rising from his post, meeting him eye-to-eye.

“What’s wrong with that?” he throws back, “I’m glad that the person I love feels the same way.”

“Hyunjin,” the puppy calls out to him, seeking something in his eyes, “Weren’t you even hurt?”

_ Who wouldn’t be _ .

“Why does that matter?”

“Your pain is valid just as much as my love is,” Seungmin says, reaching a hand out and enveloping his hands in his, they’re seated warm on his leg.

“You wanted to tell me this in case you’ll regret it if you won’t and I am the same, there’s no other reason, I just want you to know that I do, too,” he clears, whether it’s valid or not, he’d rather have no regrets.

Who knows until when this would last?

“Would that be the reason why you’re here? Just to tell me you love me?” he enquires, fixing the hold of the other on his hands, fitting their fingers with each other.

The other was looking at their intertwined hands.

“I will be damned and I am breaking rules I’ve set up for myself just by coming after you tonight…” his voice sounded emptly for a bit then he looks up at him, eyes bright, “But I wanted to rebel and be with you even just for a while.”

“If the while has passed, would you leave now?” he counters, tightening his grip and squeezing their hands.

“I should.”

“You would,” he supplies.

“But I don’t want to,” whispers the other, their faces suddenly close to each other as the younger had his whole body faced to him, trapping him there. Slowly, slipping out of his seat, he stands just beside his visitors seat, releasing their hands to spin the chair towards him.

Looking down to eyes that show longing and lost in control, he dives down and kisses him, testing the waters.

His arm wound around the other’s waist when his actions were reciprocated. His head felt heavy and arms were hugging it, the other’s hands in his hair. He fixes the other up, standing them both by the counter, tasting each other’s longing with how heated things were leading to. Cupping the other’s soft cheek and claimng his spot on the tiny waist of the other, he licks his licks, seeking permission. They both groan into each other’s touch when the younger grants access and he makes his way through to him, kissing him languidly, pouring his love out, he tightens his hold on the body against his, hugging him closer.

It’s the younger that pulls away first, settling to rest his forehead on his arm. They were at the side of the counter, no idea how they ended up there, but he puts his head on top of the other, they both breathe loudly, he sneaks a kiss to the younger’s ear.

“Way to lose yourself,” he says, “Glad I was invited to this meeting.”

He receives a slap on the chest but he grabs the hand instead and keeps it there.

“Are you letting me stay the night?” the younger asks after a few moments.

_ Are you finally staying forever? _

“Always.”

・・・

Hoodies always looked good on the other so that’s what he gives him, together with a pair training pants. He goes to the bathroom down the hallway instead and comes back to the other staring at his bed.

“What are you doing?” he asks, startling the other.

“On what side do you usually sleep?” is the answer he gets.

“Anywhere, depends on my mood, I guess,” he scratches his head out of habit, “Go and lie down wherever you want.”

Seungmin climbs on the left side of the bed and he walks to the other side. Glancing at the desk beside his bed, the red numbers read 11:11 PM and he paused and made a quick wish to whoever was listening.

_ Please make him stay this time. _

Turning the bedside lamp on and walking back to the door to switch the head light off, he suddenly had the urge to double-think things and check if this should really be happening. He looks at the other, comfortable in his bed, and shoos whatever thought away.

_ What matters is he’s here _ .

Walking back to his side of the bed, he pulls the cover up and slides into the comfort of his mattress and warm blanket. His visitor moves on his side and he suddenly feels him pull his arm, he relaxes his muscles and lets the man do what he wants.

He ends up with said man in his arms, cuddled up to his side, warm and accompanied with the citrusy and mint scent he always looks for.

“Good night, love,” he whispers, pecking the other’s forehead and he receives a hum in response.

If someone asks Hyunjin how he ended up having the man who broke his heart wrapped in his arms nearly a week after they met each other again, he’d have no answer to provide- he’s lost himself, his mind full of questions. Yet his resolve was met, he’ll let the other do whatever he wants. He’ll enjoy this, for how long it would last, and keep on wishing that this would last.

Hyunjin sleeps to the others soft breathing and the sudden urge to dream of miracles.

-

A heavenly voice fills his ears and even though the sun was shining too bright and his eyes were burning even when it’s closed, he enjoys the music. It sounds like Seungmin, what a pretty way to start his day.

_ Seungmin _

He jolts up awake and feels the empty sheets around him.  _ No, no, no _ . His wish the night before seemed to already be proving itself impossible as he scurries his way out his room and down the stairs. He swore that the singing he heard was from the other, somewhere near him, within his reach. That is proven correct when he reaches the first floor, the other’s back was to him, facing the stove, probably whipping himself some eggs and toast for breakfast.

“Good morning,” he greets lightly, making his presence known, sounding relieved, “I’m guessing eggs for breakfast?”

“Hey, morning,” the younger glances at him for a while, grinning, “You know it!”

He can’t even explain how lovely the other looked, cooking whilst the sunlight from outside was filling the room they were in, wearing his clothed, bedhair obvious, apparently, but it was a beauty he’s glad he’s lived well to see.

“Ketchup?” his cook asks as plates of toast and eggs were placed on the table. He flashes him a thumbs up.

“You seem to know your way around the kitchen…” he starts a random conversation.

“I’ve cooked for myself ever since I started my study there,” the other says, “Mom wasn’t actually there to do things for me.”

“Right, just a passing thought, you don’t need to answer this early in the morning,” he tries, honestly wanting to know, “Was she the one who told you to go or did you really want to?”

Two glasses of tea makes it’s way to the countertop, a few moments pass.

“She had listed all the positive things that would benefit me if I said yes, clearly wanting me to go,” Seungmin says as he sits down across him, “I chose to go.”

“Ah,” he reacts, unsure of where he stands now that the question was answered, “Alrighty.”

He digs in and exclaims in satisfaction. Indeed, the food tastes great.

_ He wanted to go _ .

Hyunjin blinks the thought away.

“So, I called Felix earlier,” he hums to let the other continue, “Are you good to meet up with the guys today instead?”

“Yep, all good with me,” he answers, munching on the toast and sighs at how it tasted great with the butter spread on it.

“They all agreed, luckily,” the man across him still goes on, “We might miss the small reunion with our classmates, though.”

“I was only going because Jisung was,” he states, his excuse now irrelevant, “I won’t go if he won’t.”

“Right, we stay with our brothers first, eh?”

“Right,” he agrees, finishing his plate up, reaching out for the tea given to him, “You’ve surely missed Jeongin! He’s all grown up now.”

“About that too…”

“Yep?”

“Would you have some spare clothes I can borrow for the day? It might be a long detour if we pass by my place.”

“Why’d you even ask?” he chuckles, “Just look through my closet and get whatever you want.”

“Will do!” the other laughs, eyes crinkling, sipping on his own cup of tea.

Hyunjin felt like he’s dreaming. No way that he’s actually back to being Seungmin’s boyfriend.

“Go ahead and shower first, I’ll clean up here,” he says after a while, looking at their empty plates, “I enjoyed breakfast. Cook for me again next time.”

“Oh, thanks,” the other says, seemingly a little bit shocked at his words, “Right.”

He gathers their dishes and heads to the sink, going back for their cups after, the younger is still seated at the table.

“Earth to Seungmin?” he questions, waving a hand in front of his face, “Babe you good?”

“Been a long time since someone called me that,” the other says, voice a bit cold.

“I’ll call it to you every day.”

“Nah, I’m good,” the other states, jumping up of his seat, startling him, “I’ll go ahead and shower.”

Mental note:  _ Do not call him babe _ .

Was it something else or was it because of calling him that? Nevertheless, he can’t lose a bubbly and energetic Seungmin now, they can be moody when they’ll be alone together again. He shakes his head a bit and goes to do the chore he had promised to do.

“Hyunjin-ah,” someone calls out to him just when he’s wiping the stove clean, “I’m done.”

“Alright,” he says back, making his voice a little bit louder to let it reach upstairs, “I’ll be there in a few.”

Washing away the grease that was left in his hands, he dries it up and heads to him room. Seeing the younger on his bed, wearing one of his favorite blue polos and staring out the sunny day, he swiftly brings his phone out and captures the moment. He thinks he should have done it sooner but they didn’t actually have lots of moments aside from when they met at the airport.

“Sky blue looks good on you,” he compliments the younger when he makes his presence known, the other looking back at him smiling, making the statement into a fact.

“Thanks,” the younger answers, “You may not know but they call me  _ Sky _ in the states, it’s my name there.”

_ What a lovely name. _

“It suits you,” he says smoothly, heading towards his cabinet to look for the polo he also wants to wear, grinning when he finds it, “Nice to meet you, Sky, I’m Sam.”

The other laughs at him, falling face-up on his bed and he feels his ears redden.

“Don’t laugh at me,” he pouts, collecting all the other garments he needs before closing the cabinet, “Remember when I went there when I was younger? That’s the name I used.”

“Sam…” Seungmin says, and he sees how the other is resisting the urge to laugh at him again, “Sam Hwang, how did that even happen.”

“I like the name, alright,” he says, pretending to be offended, “I make a good Sam.”

“That’s out of the point,” the younger answers immdiately, waving his hand to him, shooing him away, “It’s moot, I guess, go ahead and get ready.”

“Moot.”

“Yes, moot.”

“Not a word I think I’ll hear but okay,” he explains, walking towards the restroom, “I’ll be out in a few.”

Finally getting in the shower, he thanks the other in his head for keeping the heater on, nothing beats warm water for a morning shower. Now that he has time for himself, he lists out all the possible things on why this is happening, why Seungmin is still here.

  1. Yesterday really happened. Seungmin went to him just after he dropped him off ot tell him he loves him and they stayed at each other’s sides the whole night. He’s here to stay.
  2. He’s dreaming. It’s a dream so close to real life that he can’t tell the difference. It’s an illusion his longing heart has made him to believe. It’s all fake.
  3. The other has his own agenda and he’s just part of it. With the resolution he came up with before the chaos of the night the day before, he did convince himself that he’ll do whather the other wants so-



That’s listed out and he wants it to be the first one. It’s already hard convincing his head that will be at the same place he is when tomorrow comes but he’s not one to be disappointed for such small things. As long as he gets the opportunity to have the other in his arms, he’ll risk eveything,  _ everything _ , for it.

So, he finishes up his escapade under the droplets of water falling on his head and dries himself up. If the first one is real, the other is out there, seated on his bed, waiting for him- and Hyunjin is not the type to let people wait for him. Especially if it’s his damsel in distress. Or is he the damsel?

He had picked the yellow polo that has the same design as the one the younger chose to wear, if he would notice, he’ll just make an excuse of it being his favorite shirt to wear. Looking at the mirror and his beaten expression, he tries his best to beauty himself up, it’s not that he wants to look good for the other but he doesn’t want to have people disappointed seeing a potato beside someone who shines brighter than the sun.

After giving all his efforts, he goes out of the door and comes back to look for his companion.

_ He’s really there. _

Seungmin was still on his bed, looking through his phone, glancing at him when he nears the edge of the bed.

“You good to go?” the younger asks.

“Yep, I’ll just get my things, you can go ahead to the car,” he supplies, scanning the room for his car keys, phone and wallet, the other nodding at him and exits the room after fixing the part of the bed he was sitting at.

Gathering all his things, he brings the curtains in his room together and steps out to the garage downstairs, “Where to?” he asks the man waiting by his car, clicking his keys to open the doors.

“The same restaurant as yesterday,” the other answers and gets in the passenger seat, “I would have wanted to eat somewhere else but we’re out of options and we don’t have the leisure to argue where to meet up as this is sudden.”

“More like Minho hyung debating how you’ve chosen a place we shouldn’t even go to,” he tells him, buckling himself up in his seat. He clicks the remote to open their garage door and starts the engine, “Would love to see you two argue today.”

“If I tell him I miss him would he treat me better?” the other deadpans, he clicks the monitor again to close the doors, “The answer is obvious, this is not something we need to talk about.”

“Surely he missed you too,” he says, glancing to the passenger seat for a bit, smiling at him, “We all did.”

“He’ll pester me and I’ll pester Jeongin,” is the answer he gets, “It’ll be an eventful lunch for us.”

Hyunjin already sees the image in his head and he’s just ecstatic that they’re all meeting up again- all 8 of them this time.

“Yeah,” he whispers to the traffic he turns into, hitting the main road to Seoul, “That’d be fun.”

_ Good luck, Chan hyung _ .

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They reach the restaurant just sometime after 11 o’clock. The younger gets off first as he found a spot to park. He sees a few familiar mops of hair at the entrance when he walks to it, smiling lightly.

“Yo my man,” Jisung calls out to him, “Never thought I’ll see you twice in one week, dude, who would have known?”

“You act as if you don’t pester me to go out and  _ live my life _ seven days a week,” he debates.

“Acting like you mom and actually seeing you in person are two different things, idiot,” the other slips his tongue out and aims it at him.  _ Such a child _ .

“Yoooo, Hwang Hyunjin,” Changbin then shouts at him, reaching across Felix to pat him on the back, “If I only knew it’d be Seungmin who could make you agree to our meet-ups, I’d have dragged him from wherever he was at the other side of the world. It’s nice to see you!”

He shies away a bit, he knows how affectionate his hyung can be even though his words don’t really seem like it, but he reaches his hand out to him as thanks. He glances around and looks for the reason of their reunion.

“He’s inside, checking up on his reservation,” Felix provides, giving him a knowing look.

“Tell me this brother,” Jisung loudly whispers beside him, he looks at him and he feels his hands sweat, not liking where this is going, “We left you two and you brought him home yesterday and we now you arrive together…”

“He did not stay the night, okay,” he splutters his lie, unsure if yesterdays episode was for the public.

“Oh my goodness,” a voice says, a bit further away, the five of them whip their heads to where the sound came from, “Doesn’t that mean he  _ did _ stay the night? Your ears are burning!”

Chan, with Jeongin at his side, reaches their group and he stands beside him, flicking his reddening ears. He swats his hand away.

“If you think about it, that’s impossible,” he excuses, he pouts a bit, relaying what’s in his mind, “A miracle even.”

“Why’d you pick him up, then?” Minho asks him.

“I’d pass by his place anyway, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“So, hyungs are back together now, right?” the youngest of them asks, eyes crinkling when he looked at him. He hopes his eyes don’t give his desperation away.

_ Right? _

If he had the answer to that question, he would have answered easily. He inhales deep.

“Hyung!” another voice calls out, the door to the diner opening, he gets tongue-tied but still thankful he won’t get to answer a question none of them had an answer to.

Seungmin reaches out to Chan and gives him a hug. Doing the same to Jeongin as well.

“I’ve missed you guys!” he cries, happiness apparent in his face, “I’m sorry for calling you all out so sudden but thanks for coming. Let’s head in, I’m starving.”

They’re not particularly a big group but they’re 8 young adults heading to eat in a fancy restaurant for lunch on a Saturday afternoon, a few older people glanced their way when they were walking to their table but they were too occupied with each other to notice.

They all settle down around the table and Hyunjin opts to sit beside the other, he’s at the very end and Chan is in front of him, the man beside him calls out for a waiter.

Like deja vu, the lady who had served them the night before walked toward their table again.

“Hello, it’s good to see you all again today, I’m guessing not going for the eggplant pie did turn out to be the correct decision?” she quizzes Seungmin when she reaches them.

The younger glances at him. He stares back and the other looks back to the waitress.

“I guess so,” he dismisses and catches the attention of everyone at the table, “Are you all good to share the sets they have? We can all dig in and eat whatever we’d want.”

Everyone hums, Hyunjin leaning back to his seat, angling himself facing the other. He’ll get most of what he can today.

“Then we’ll get Sets A and B, please, on of each,” the other says, his attention back to the lady.

“Anything else?” looking at the other people around the table.

“None for me,” Chan says, the others humming their agreement.

“Glasses of water, please, before anything else,” Changbin says from the other end from him.

“Of course,” the woman says, taking the menu back and walks away.

“You’ve been here?” the youngest of the group asks.

“We were here yesterday,” Seungmin answers, “I called Felix up and the four of us met up. We didn’t actually have an agenda nor a place scheduled to go to so we ended up here, Jisung’s recommendation.”

“Hyunjin and I ate here first when we got our 3rd paycheck, finally having the chance to eat somewhere fancy,” his best friend provides, “It’s been years and it’s the first place I thought of.”

“So you ate here with Hyunjin first before bringing me here?” his boyfriend quizzes, not really sounding annoyed, it was most likely to tease the other.

“Hyung, I needed to know if it was worthwhile before going out to impress you,” is the answer provided to him. He was still looking at Seungmin and he sees him smile.

“You two look good together, Minho hyung,” the other provides, and the said hyung looks at him, Hyunjin sees the affection behind the older’s eyes, “I’m glad.”

“What was that Seungmin-ah?” the older calls out to him, “Is that a compliment or you just saying things randomly to me now?”

The younger of the two rolls his eyes, “Nothing you should bother yourself, hyung, I just wanted your attention.” The others chuckle, knowing the dynamic between the two. “So, how has everyone been?”

“We’ve all been good,” the eldest amongst them all says, “But I’ll say for myself, producing is not that easy of a job to take. I’m glad that I have those two idiots by my side, though.” His fingers pointed out to said  _ idiots _ and the youngest of the three bends down on his seat to avoid it. “You know it’s what I’ve loved to do ever since, I even have one of your recordings in my hard drive. All in all, I’m just glad to know you’re back.”

“No crying on us, hyung,” Jisung teases and he just gets a  _ yeah sure _ in return.

He’s still staring at Seungmin.

“I guess my update would be that boring too, sadly,” Changbin then says and Hyunjin sees his head pop out from behind Seungmin’s, probably bringing himself out to look at the younger, “Aside from composing with them, I waste my time with Lix.”

“Is waste the correct word to use, hyung?” Felix asks beside him, looking at him hard in the eye before smiling widely, turning back to Seungmin, “I’d say aside from running my dessert place, I waste most of my time with him, too.”

“You’ve got to hear his demos, too,” Chan says and he sees Seungmin look to him in shock, “Yes, he sings and raps now, too. He’s one of our regulars, he brings the spice out in 3racha.”

The younger glances back to his left and holds Felix’s arm, glee printed on his face and the fairy scratches his head in embarassment.

“That’s a huge thing, Lix! Remember how much we’ve talked about this when we were younger?” Seungmin says in awe, “You’re finally doing it!”

“I was thinking we should both be doing it but it ended up with me reaching for both our dreams instead,” Felix explains, holding the hand on his arm.

“Thank you,” is the answer he gets. Seungmin looks around the table and glances at the youngest, “Jeongin?”

“Me?” Jeongin queries with his usual brow raise, “Nothing much, I’m in my last year of college and on my way to becoming a daycare teacher, I guess.”

“A baby teaching other babies how to be one?” Jisung intercepts, “Best idea made to man.” He receives a glare in return.

“Assuming I’ll pass the board exams after graduation, I’ll be looking at finally having a job in two to three years,” the youngest continues after, clasping his hands together, “I can’t wait!”

“That’s one more dream achieved!” Seungmin says, reaching his hand out to the younger, “I’m so proud of you!”

Jeongin receives the hand extended out to him, receiving a pat on the head from Chan as well. “Thanks, hyung.”

“Minho hyung is a dance teacher, his studio just beside Chan hyungs,” Jisung says then, “Needless to say, I also see him every day. He’s improved his singing a lot, too.”

“Wow, a huge compliment from someone finally trying out dancing,” Minho pops in, putting his arm around the younger.

“So? You love me.” the other says, facing his boyfriend, their faces almost touching before the older laughs and leans back to his chair.

All this time, Hyunjin is still left staring at Seungmin. He feels the others look at him but he doesn’t have more to say.

“I’ve been good,” he states, he hears a few smirks across the table, “Never been better.”

“Yeah, because Seungmin’s here,” Minho counters, “That’s not how you have been but okay.”

Seungmin looks at him full of concern and he smiles wistfully at him.

“Okay.”

The food arrives and if the others wanted to input their rebuttals on his statement, it never came. When all is settled down, the eldest amongst them clears his throat.

“I know you guys will tease me after this but I don’t care,” Chan starts, looking at Seungmin, “It’s been more than a while, Seungmin-ah, the memories we’ve had with you are the only things we had to reminisce whenever we think about you. It’s good to know you’re back and thank you for inviting us out to lunch. Now, all together-”

“We’ll eat well!” they all shout.

・・・

“Whoa, I’m full,” Jisung says, leaning himself to the person beside him.

Their group had finished eating and there were all standing outside the restaurant.

“Do we have anything else under our agenda?” Chan asks around, looking at Seungmin.

“I haven’t thought of something else aside from this, actually, hyung,” the younger answers, “Do you have anything in mind?”

“None, really, but I wanted to speak with you about something,” the eldest says, “I wanted to give you your past recordings, too. You know? Something to keep.”

“I’d like that!”

“Well, let’s head on to the studio, then,” Chan finalizes, “I’ll get the car around.”

“I’ll get mine, too,” he adds, sounding weak, he hadn’t really talked that much since the day started. Their friends had a lot to say, so he didn’t feel the need to put some add-ons.

It must be his mind but he feels that there’s something he should be expecting to come. May it be good or bad, he just knows it’s something that would put an end to whatever he’s been through all these years. His head hurts.

Rounding the car to the entrance, he rolls his window down and calls out to his friends. He doesn’t know why he’s relieved that it’s Felix and Changbin that boards his car with Seungmin. Jisung might see through him and largen the quantity of questions bothering his head.

“Nice life you have, Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin sings to him as he settles himself him, “You’ve really outdone yourself.”

“He’s done nothing but work the past 2 years,” Felix explains to his boyfriend, shutting the door as he gets in the car, Hyunjin moves to follow behind Chan’s vehicle, “He’ll surely have made big money.”

“Thanks,” he says, looking at the two from the rear view mirror, “I always wanted to own one.”

“No more need to borrow your father’s just to drive Seungmin around, right?” Changbin teases, he then looks at the one seated on the passenger seat, not giving a response.

“It is a nice car,” Seungmin finally says, glancing to the people at the back, “Can I turn some music on?”

“Go ahead, mate,” Felix answers.

He sees the other click the buttons on the radio and connects his phone through. A familiar intro plays after a while.

“Still into Day6, I see?” Felix asks silently, letting the music fill up the car. He thinks the other nods his head in response.

It’s a bit distracting, wanting to be aware of every movement the man on the passenger seat is doing while concentrating on where Chan’s car is going but he manages. He takes it all in, he enjoys it and when the familiar chorus of  _ You Were Beautiful _ echoes in their vehicle, he spares a glance to his side. Seungmin is mouthing the words to the song, Hyunjin smiles in content and looks back to the front.

He misses the knowing look his friends at the back give him but he’s good nonetheless. It may be his mind playing tricks with him but he just wants confirmation that he really has the Kim Seungmin within reach. He’s not letting go this time.

With the calm feeling they all were surrounded with during the travel, the ride felt short when they then reach 3racha’s studio. He parks beside Chan’s car and they all step out of his vehicle.

Judging from how the sky looked, it seemed that they were an hour away from twilight. Seungmin runs to where Chan is. He sees him whispering to him.

“Guys,” the eldest calls out, “Mind staying here? I just need to talk to Seungmin about something private, need to give the audio files to him, too. Give us around 20 minutes.”

Hyunjin wonders what it might be but the others called out their acceptance that he stood back instead and opted to lean back on the hood of his car.

“Now, we’re all curious,” Jisung starts as the others slowly round the parked vehicles, “What could it be that they need to speak about that they can’t let us know?”

“It must be something private, Sung,” Felix tells him, leaning on his car too, Changbin beside him adds, “We’ll most likely know about it soon, I think.”

“What do you mean, hyung?” the youngest amongst them queries.

“I dunno,” the older answers, “I just feel like it’s an announcement for all of us.”

_ An announcement, huh? _

He tries to rack his brain of the nature of what that declaration may be but he can’t think of any positive ones, one that leads to his happily ever after. He sighs.

“Oh stop sighing,” Minho yells at him, “They might be plotting the best way to propose to you.”

“Sounds plausible,” his boyfriend agrees, “Think about it, Hyunjin-ah. He comes back, with no announcement nor reason why, the three of us thought it’s because of the mini reunion with our classmates in elementary but seeing that he prioritised our group means that it’s void- which means that he’s here for you. Which means that he’s going to propose to you as a way to have you back.”

“You’ve always had a great imagination, Sung,” he chuckles lightly, his friends explanation bringing up images of the night before in his head, “And you expect me to say yes and live happily ever after?”

Five pairs of eyes dart to look at him, examining him, reaching through his soul. He keeps his poker face on.

“That’s most likely, hyung,” Jeongin says into the group, “We all know how much you love him. I mean, who doesn’t move on from his first love even after he’s left him for more than 5 years? There’s no one but you.”

“Right, and we would all conclude that you’ll agree to be with him again now that he’s back,” Changbin adds, “You sent him home yesterday, it’s obvious you picked him up today, you’re already acting that you’re back together.”

“Can’t we call it being  _ friends _ ?” he seethes, hearing how the picture of them looked like to their friends sounded beautiful in his ears but his troubled heart can’t be satisfied, “I’d do the same for you guys.”

“Boo,” Jisung laughs at him, “I mean sure, I know you’ll do that for me but I won’t actually be able to convince you to do it for me in the first place. Just think about how much you’d complain. Would you do that with Seungmin?”

He thinks.

“That question is not valid,” he concludes, “You know I don’t complain to him.”

“That’s the point!” Felix says loudly, breathing before saying again, “You’re acting like you didn’t see each other for just a week and you’re now back to the boyfriends you were at the start.”

“Ugh,” he frustratingly puts his head in his hands, “Why do you guys make it sound so bad?”

“We’re not saying it is, hyung,” Jeongin soothingly says, walking to him and patting his shoulder, “With the way you stared at him the whole time during lunch, we won’t even question what you’re feeling.”

He looks up again. Jisung had a serious expression on.

“We’re just glad to see you happy, man,” that’s not what he expects to hear, “You shine when you’re with him, we’ve missed you like this.”

“I feel like we’re seeing you now just as how long it’s been since we’ve seen Seungmin,” Changbin adds, glancing at him, he just looks back, “It’s nice.”

“We just want you to be happy, Hyun-ah,” Felix reaches out to him, giving him a one-arm hug.

He was starting to feel emotional, he was not understading why his friends were suddenly saying these things but a spark of hope ignited in him, calming his negativities away. Maybe the other really is here to stay.

“Hey, what are you guys doing there gathered up between the cars?” they hear Chan shout from above them, they all look up.

“Seungmin’s on his way down,” he announces, “You’ll bring him home, yeah, Hyunjin? As for the others, come on in for a bit.”

The window closes and he looks at his best friend.

“Good luck, man,” Jisung says, pats his arms after Minho and heads to the studio.

“We’re rooting for you, hyung!” Jeongin whispers beside him. He gives him a gentle smile in return.

“Hyunjin-ah,” Changbin coughs, walking towards him, putting his hand on his shoulder, not meeting his eyes, “Be happy.”

“Be happy,” Felix repeats, giving him a full-on bear hug this time, following his boyfriend inside the building, “See ya, mate!”

His head is turning, is it really what his friends think to be?

“We’ll see you again, Min-ah,” he hears Felix call out, the younger must be near.

Hyunjin breathes in the air, he could faintly smell water in it, it might rain later.

“Sorry about that,” Seungmin says as he reaches him, “I needed to go already and Chan hyung said he’ll give me a ride. I didn’t expect that he’d actually let you do it.”

“Nah, it’s nothing,” he supplies, his curious mind suppressing all the questions it wants to ask, “Hop in.”

They settle in his car and he turns the engine on just as they hear their friends call out to them.

“Take care, guys!” “See ya!” “Live well!” “I love you two!”

They wave back at them and Hyunjin reverses the car back to the road and starts on his usual drive to the youngers house, the third time he’ll be doing for the week.

“Something urgent come up?” he tries asking, flicking the radio on to inform the other that he can play his music.

“Something like that,” the younger answers him, not giving anything away. Hyunjin sees him reach for his phone from his hind pocket and he settles that it’d be reaching too far to ask more.

_ Probably not now _ .

Seeing the man on the passenger seat connect his phone to the radio makes him think that their conversation is over, not that he minds. His mind thinks positively this time. He assumes that he’ll get to pry more next time.

Park Boram’s voice fills the car and  _ Will Be Fine _ plays. Seeing the other settle on his seat and lean against the window, he basks himself in the music filling his senses. He drives into twilight and glances to see the others beautiful silhouette created by the suns growing shadows.

So, he allows himself to fall deeper. May this be a game, may this be a dream or may this be a reality, he’ll enjoy it. He’ll fall deeper to everything that is Kim Seungmin this time.

The night moon was looking it’s way up to the sky when he reaches their destination. He moves to wake the other up but he was already removing his seatbelt.

“I know this is short notice, but would you mind waiting for me for a while?”

“Of course,” he answers easily, leaning back to his seat and changing the gear to idle. The younger nods and gets out of the car.

The music changes and he guesses that the other left his phone in the car.  _ Youth _ by Shawn Mendes ft. Khalid plays and it’s a reminder that the other loves this artist’s songs. He felt relieved knowing he still listened to the music he knew the other loved.

4 more songs play after that before a sudden knock on his window startles him up his seat. He looks to his right and Seungmin is there waving. Not understanding why he wouldn’t open the door instead, he rolls the window on the others side down.

“Need anything?” he asks dumbly.

“Not much,” is the answer he gets, “Just wanted to ask if I can sleep at your place again?”

_ Again? _

“You know you’re always welcome,” he provides and receives an eye roll from the other.

“I bought some things,” Seungmin says, dropping his bag in the back seat before hopping back beside him, “I’ll need to have my own set of clothes this time.”

“That polo seems like it’s yours anyway,” he tells him, giving him a thumbs up before changing the gear again, driving away from the other’s house, “Keep it.”

“I think I heard you say that this is your favorite shirt,” the other starts, “You don’t need to give it out.”

“But it looks good on you,” he debates, glancing at the rear view mirror and sees a familiar garment, “Is that my jacket?”

“It’s mine,” the other says, “You just told me it’s mine earlier this week.”

“I already told you it’s yours years ago,” he answers, reminding him.

“Did you?” the younger asks dismissively, “Right.”

The drive continues in a relatively quiet manner. The other’s playlist playing on the background.

_ Another night with him. _

∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱∘⁺✧◞₊⋅✱

Reaching his house, they were still quiet, the silence suddenly deafening when he turned the engine off the the radio wasn’t playing any more.

Guiding the other into his house, he goes straight to the kitchen again this time around.

“Water?” he calls out to the other as he opens the refrigirator door.

“Sure.”

“Anything else in your schedule that we need to do today?” he asks as he gets glasses ready on the table, puring water in them, handing one to his companion.

“None, really,” the other answers, “I was thinking of ordering take out for dinner?”

“The best question you’ve asked me,” he muses, “What do you want to eat?”

“You order,” the other waves at him, “I’ll just head to your room and change?”

“Alright,” he agrees, pulling his phone out, the other gets his bag and heads upstairs.

He settles in ordering  _ galbitang _ and proceeds to cook rice, contemplating if they should eat in the living room or not. Since he wants to get answers and hopefully they’ll get to talk more, he picks the dining room instead.

He hears the familiar  _ ding _ from the microwave and sets to put the packets of rice on the table. All that’s left is the food he ordered and the person he’ll eat with.

Seungmin comes dows after a few minutes and goes straight to where he’s seated at the table.

“What did you order?” he asks as he reaches out for the glass of water he hadn’t finished earlier.

“ _ Galbitang _ .”

“Wow! I haven’t had that in a long time,” the other nods in approval, “I was thinking of eating that the other day, I just didn’t get the chance.”

“That’s good, then,” he smiles towards the other who sat in front of him, “Good thing I ordered.”

“Yeah, right,” the younger smiles back, settling on his seat, “Go ahead and change, I’ll get it if it arrives before you come back down.”

“Cool,” he says, standing up and struts to the stairs, he looks back to Seungmin, “I’ll be back.”

The other was already scrolling through his phone, seemingly bothered by something, so he goes up to his room and settles for a plain black shirt and pajama pants to wear for the night.

Who would have thought that he’d have Seungmin to himself for two consecutive nights? Well, not him, but he’s happy. Genuinely happy that tonight will mark another step towards their future. He’ll need to start trying to pry more details from the other, get confirmation of what they are, where they are headed.

Adding to his resolve, he settles that he won’t sleep until he receives an answer.

Leaving the fact that he needs to gather his courage up and ask first.

Scratch that, he’ll get to it once the time comes.  _ We’ll get there. _

Having washed up a bit, he hears knocking below and he figures it’s the food he ordered. He quickly wipes himself down and changes clothes. Again, looking at the mirror, he still looks beat but he feels lighter. It’s a good start.

Heading back down, he hears the front door close and heads towards it, getting the plastic bag from the other.

“Would you mind getting our utensils ready? I’ll open this up,” he says and the other just nods, walking towards the cupboards to do as tasked.

Opening the package, he gets a coaster for it and places it in the middle of the table, smelling the familiar taste of beef. His stomach growls.

“Here you go, I’m setting the plates, calm your stomach down,” the younger tells him, handing him his plate as they both sit down.

“Let’s dig in!” he shouts and reaches for one of the rice bowls he heated up.

“This is so tasty!” the other exclaims, drinking the soup, “I love this!”

He smiles to him, happy that he had bought it, picking a piece of beef and putting it on the younger’s spoon.

“Eat lots of it then,” he says affectionally, wanting to pat his head but resisting to do it as they were eating, “Fill yourself up.”

Seungmin nods at him and he thinks how illegal it is to look as cute as he did years ago but he loves that. He smiles into the flashback that pulls up in his mind. Storing this moment in his heart as well.

_ I love you. _

・・・

They finish their dinner in no time and the aftermath of eating more than they wanted is apparent with their continuous groans, stomachs heavy.

“I vote to wash this together,” the younger announces, he looks at him, “We both need to stand and let our tummies settle, I won’t say yes to you doing the dishes alone.”

“Fine,” he laughs lightly, stretching up and fixes their plates together. He stands up after and heads to the sink, the other following suit. The younger reaches out for his phone and continues the playlist that got cut off in the car.

Hyunjin hears Roy Kim’s voice singing and remembers the song,  _ Only Then _ . They wash in comfortable silence and they finish in no time. The other dries his hand and goes straight to the stairs so he fixes the table and the chairs in the dining room before turning the lights off and heads up as well.

He sees the other seated on the same spot he was in earlier in the day.

“You good?” he asks as he comes into the room and closes the door behind him, heads to his side of the bed, “Want to drink meds?”

“It’s not that severe,” the other answers, caressing his tummy, “I just haven’t eaten that much in a while.”

“Well, it might have been more than the usual for 2 people,” Hyunjin said, climbing on top of the bed and leans on his left, facing the other. They’re both seated, he’s looking at the other, the other is looking to his front.

“Chan hyung would have finished one alone,” Seungmin says, chuckling at the fact he just said.

“We all know he has more than a few stomachs than the usual person would have,” he counters, understanding the fact, “He’s a kangaroo so it’s understandable.”

“Right,” the other supplies before the conversation dries up.

He wanted to ask his questions now, he’ll feel sleepy soon enough and he wants things to be out in the open before another night passes so his mind makes it way to compose the list of queries he has. He closes his eyes for a few seconds before opening them back again to see that the other is now looking straight at him. Leaning on his side as well so that they’re face to face.

“It must have been so long since I’ve been here that my memory is not that clear any more,” the other started, “So I needed a refresher to make me remember.”

“Remember what?” he asks, realizing that this is a good start for their conversation.

“I wanted to remember how it felt being loved by someone,” the younger whispers, looking down for a bit, “I wanted to remember  _ you _ .”

_ I have all our memories with me. _

“Would you really forget everything?” he whispers back, leaning his head on the headboard, still facing the man across him.

“I don’t know,” the other answers and he doesn’t know how to feel about that statement, “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“It’s either a yes or a now, Min-ah,” he tries, being extra careful with his words.

“There are times that I regret it, leaving, I mean,” Seungmin says, obviously avoiding the question left hanging between them, “But every time I achieve something big and plant my roots there, it gets lost. Then I sleep alone every night and I think how I can’t have the same set of friends like I do here.”

“You could have always looked back and visited us,” he said, wherever this conversation is going, he’ll be through it until the end, “I gave up trying to reach out to you by the 3rd year you’ve been gone. I sent my Christmas wishes through but still didn’t get anything back.”

“It felt like I would be breaking a wall I’ve set up for control if I did anything that would have you all involved,” the other adds, “It was already hard, being alone, I couldn’t have my determination waver.”

“You could have remembered me during those times,” he says sadly, leaning on his back and looking forward sa well, finally saying something honestly, “I would have been satisfied with just a hello.”

He feels the other look at him and his statement gets left in the air as well.

“I could have, didn’t I?” the younger questions, sounding nasally, “I was too strict to myself that I didn’t even notice I was losing myself in the process.”

“Are you staying for good?” his tongue slips out, out of control. He glances beside him when he doesn’t get a response, “Then what is this for?”

_ Answer me, give me the words your heart is screaming for as well. _

“I love you,” Seungmin whispers to the night, looking at him and keeps him in his stare, he feels emotional, “With all my heart.”

He reaches out,  _ fuck it _ , and envelopes the other in his arms, spreading the warmth to the other, expressing his feelings.

_ I love you too. _

“If we go back to how we were a week ago, will you welcome me again like how you did then 5 years from now?” Seungmin quietly asks beside him, his voice clear in his ears.

“I’m a sucker for love, I admit, but that’s what you are to me so I’ll welcome you back in my arms. Always.”

“I see.”

If the other had something else to add, there wasn’t anything said out loud. He falls asleep with the other round his arms, heartbeats against each other. He smells the familiar woody and flowery scent of his shampoo and home but the additional tinge of  _ Seungmin _ is what makes his heart calm down.

_ Tomorrow, _ he thinks as he lulls into nothingness _ , we’ll srart again tomorrow _ .

・・・

Sunlight hits his eyes and Hyunjin basks into it, he has more reasons to love the burning in his eyes than to get mad because of it. He reaches out beside him and feels the cold sheets against his hands.

It doesn’t bother him, though, as he figures that the other is downstairs making himself breakfast, he’s that much of a morning person that he is. So, he settles to fix the bed and wash his face awake before heading down the stairs.

It was eerily quiet than how he wanted it to be and a strange feeling creeps up his spine. He reaches the first floor and no one was waiting for him in the kitchen. He goes to the living room and there’s no one there either.

_ What’s happening? _

He heads back to his room and looks for the others' belongings, ending up with nothing as his room is how it looked like the other day- no item misplaced. Fear rushes over him and he quickly wears his jeans and changes his clothes, heading to his garage to leave.

Feeling urgent, he finds all the shortcuts he can and drives past other cars in haste. He reaches the other’s place within 30 minutes and he starts to feel lost.

_ Something’s not right _ .

Stepping out of his car, he walks towards the cardboard hanging on the gate of his destination:

**FOR SALE** is how it read and he was feeling weak in his knees. Realization dawned on him, making everything hurt all of a sudden.

_ Was it a dream or was I left again? _

He tries knocking on the gate, looks for the spare key, tries calling out for anyone in vain. No one answers to him.

His phone rings and an unknown number shows up. He prays to the heavens.

“I love you, Hwang Hyunjin,” the person at the other line says, “I am regretting still and I’ll forever be sorry for putting you up with this but this is how it should be, I’ve built my life there and I will know bring my family back home.”

“Your home is  _ here _ ,” he whispers, leaning on the gate and falling down to the floor, “Home is  _ here _ .”

“I remember everything,” the person whispers, “I’ll always remember you, love.”

If he hears his whimpers, he doesn’t say. Hyunjin feels the droplets fall from his eyes.

“I remember our first kiss, where you confessed to me, our first date. I remember your warmth, I remember your tight hugs, I remember your sweet words,” the man on the other line breathes loudly, “That’s what kept me going all these years, it was  _ you _ . As it will now that I am breaking things off again. You don’t deserve me, find someone who will love you the way you should. I look forward too much and forget how to love, ending to be forgetting you, in the midst of the adulthood I am going through.

I was selfish, I know, I only had a week off work and I used you. I wanted to relive my memories and make fresh ones, keep them with me until I have the courage to face you again and claim you mine. I’m sorry, I am just hurting you more than you already have.

But I love you. Just please know that. You’ll always and forever be my love and I am sure that no one would replace you.

This time, I’ll say it. Don’t come after me, I’m waiting to board the plane with mom and dad. I don’t know when I’m coming back. Until, then...

Good bye, Hwang Hyunjin. Good bye, my love.”

“Please,” he begs to the receiver, his tears unstoppable, he barely sees someone running to where he was, “Please!”

“I love you,” are the last words he hears before the call ends and he’s left in silence forever.

He feels someone gather him in their arms but he’s out of his wits to even think of who it may be. He wails into the morning air, eyes blurry with his tears, and he screams the pain out.

_ I love you, too _ .


End file.
